The Right Way to be Wrong

According to those closest to me I am almost always wrong. My brain pulls bits and pieces from all over the place like an electrical shit storm, connecting things that have no business with one another and constructing clusterfuck pastiches with the information. My cerebellum absorbs and chops up plots from low-brow television shows, bottle top trivia questions, and half-memorised facts from ninth grade history. It mixes them up so the heads and tails no longer match and stores the information under ‘things that actually happened’, as opposed to ‘shit you just made up’.

This is troubling. I am deeply aware of the fact you can’t always be wrong. In a dog-eat-dog world where it’s survival of the fittest you have to fake your way up the food chain or else you’ll wind up spending the rest of your life mooching around in mud puddles like a spineless invertebrate. If you want to roll with the big dogs you have to figure out how to gull the chumps. Which is why I’ve developed the following two tips to being right, even when you are wrong.

smoking cats

1. Edit Wikipedia

You’re trying to convince your housemates Zach Braff is Brad Pitt’s half-brother for some reason and no-one will believe you because A) it isn’t true. You become infuriated and throw your hands in the air in exasperation. ‘Arrgghheerrr,’ you growl like Chewbacca, ‘Whatever. I know I’m right. I’m going to look this up and prove it.’ You pick your knuckles up off the ground and go into your room to ‘look it up’ on the computer but obviously you can’t find it anywhere because A) it isn’t true. No worries. Go to Zach Braff and Brad Pitt’s Wikipedia profile and select ‘edit’. Type in a line to the effect that they sucked on the same set of tits.

Now not only will your naive housemates believe the shit you just made up for an unknown reason, but so might the general unsuspecting public. It works on the premise people assume you wouldn’t be so petty. An added bonus of this approach is the a small possibility your interference could end up on the pages of NW or OK magazine, in which case you can masturbate your sick sense of self-importance into a rapturous stupor.

2. Fake Trophies

If you’re the kind of person who has a lot of awards you probably get things right. No-one is going to call Albert Einstein out on what he says about physics on account of he has a ‘Nobel Prize’ on the subject. So presumably no one is going to question someone who has trophies touting victories of the mind such as ‘Year 10 History Award’, ‘2012 Trivia Master’, and ‘Best at Science, 2005’ displayed proudly on their mantelpiece. Right next to a framed triple Masters degree in ‘Arts, Zoology and Anthropolgy’. You might even want to get some photos of yourself wearing academic robes, holding a rolled up parchment to go with those.

This works because most people assume you would have to be psychotic to go to that kind of effort to make people think you are smart.

It’s like the time I wrote to the ‘Here’s Looking At You’ section, which is a column in the newspaper where perverts post anonymous notes to strangers they momentarily eyeballed on the train. I sent in a description of myself as the object of some desperate lonely so and so’s affection in an effort to make myself appear more desirable. (The worst thing is I never actually did that but I thought about it and sometimes I would give men coy but suggestive signals on public transport so maybe they would do it for me and save me the trouble, but they never did).

If these techniques don’t work and you are forced to face your inaccuracy, it is best to infuriate the other person by also denying them the satisfaction of winning. Don’t underestimate the effect lines such as ‘you would know’, and ‘apples and oranges’ can have on an opponent’s morale.

In these situations it doesn’t really matter whether you win or not, because if there is one thing more important than winning, it is not losing.

Take it from someone who is always wrong.

 – By Angie Plummer.