How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love the Liberals

I, for one, am not content with the environment policies of the current Gillard Government. Talks of a ‘carbon tax’ and a ‘green economy’ are for hippies who only fly Astral Airways. Discussions of a ‘sustainable tomorrow’ envision a world that isn’t the future I envisioned.

The only man to share my vision is Tony “The Rabbit”* Abbott, or so I have had been lead to believe. You heard this week. He is ready for it. They have been ready for it. The Liberal National Party have always been forward thinkers and they champion the policies and environmental insight that will ultimately bring about a world that I want to be a part of. They are visionaries of tomorrow, today.


Gillard would ask us to think of our grandchildren. Tony “The Rabbit” Abbott won’t make you dwell on sombre and depressing thoughts such as growing old and having kids. Instead he wants you to be happy. No matter the cost. He appreciates me for me, and I appreciate that.

The Liberals know the score; the world is doomed and as such they would rather plant the seed of discontent than an actual seed. The World is an oyster on the sea bed and Australia is the pearl inside waiting to be taken before we all run out of oxygen.

And I, for one, am excited.

Why you ask? My excitement doesn’t come from an ingrained sense of family politics or an individualist ideology that stops me from thinking about anyone but myself. No, I am excited because the environmental policies crafted by Tony “The Rabbit” Abbott will quicken our demise and turn Australia from a land of opportunity into the post-Apocalyptic wasteland inhabited by Mad Max. And that is like my favourite movie, man.

Seriously, I would have watched it about fifty times by now and I am prepared.

Amadmaxustralia will decay into an apocalyptic desert, a place where you forage for bullets as well as food. Oil will be the most sought after resource, forcing roving bands of marauders to travel across this wide barren land in search of survival. As society and culture implode upon itself our children will tell stories of the great before time, and the search for Tomorrow-morrow land. Every man and his dog will be a scavenger: armed to his teeth.

Doesn’t it sound awesome?

Or at least awe-inspiring?

The only thing I get to look forward to in the next couple of years is monotony/monogamy. With The Rabbit in power I can look forward to this desert playground. Why would you want to take that away from me?

I have my credentials ready. I own a 1973 XB GT Ford Falcon Coupe, I just need the funds to soup it up, and while I don’t own a sawn-off shotgun there are many fine weapon stores in the surrounding suburbs which could cater to me when the time comes. I am prepared.

Sadly, the people that are fighting for a sustainable environment will be the worst prepared to fight in this world. The vegans will be the first to go as their morals and lack of energy won’t stand in the way of a starving mob of cannibals.

Water will be scarce except near the Western Suburbs of Sydney. Tony “The Rabbit” Abbott has planned for them and soon they will be a beach side resort.

In the time of apocalyptic stress it will be beneficial to know where your resources are coming from. That is why Tony “The Rabbit” Abbott is befriending them now. After we run out of resources to burn, Gina Rinehart will have plenty of cash to use as a fuel to keep everyone warm. Or simply we could all cuddle up to her.

Tony “The Rabbit” Abbot has declared that this election will be about trust and who we trust more. Do we trust Gillard to get us through the apocalypse? Or do we trust the man that has been training for the revolution under the pretence of a marathon. He is ready for this.

In lieu of this trust he should throw all the petty politics from his campaign and focus on the bigger picture. If anything he should run on the Mad Max Platform.

I can hear the ads now!

Tony “The Rabbit” Abbott is an expert on water ways; he once dredged a river to keep its fragile ecosystem intact.

Tony “The Rabbit” Abbott is an expert on marine life; he once cut a sea cucumber in half and it didn’t die.

Tony “The Rabbit” Abbott is an expert on mines; he once dug a hole so deep he couldn’t get out of it.

I have even made a mock up of his campaign poster.


I, for one, hope to see you out on the streets this election to support a Liberal National agenda, let’s have that War on Terra we have all really been hoping for.

*Not an actual rabbit

 – By Mitch Firman