Best of the B-Grade Sequels

Listen up, snobs. Not everybody can live like Shia LeBouf, who made the decision late last year to go ‘all indie, all the time.’ As important as it is to grapple with black humour and lurking existentialism you can’t watch late night SBS exclusively. There are certain situations, such as Friday nights on the couch or extremely hung-over Saturday mornings where the thought of a collage of black and white conversations over coffee and cigarettes is excruciating. As subtly understated as they may be.

Sometimes all you can bear to watch is a story about an undercover cop infiltrating the LA street racing scene. Or a movie where a former hockey coach has to return to coaching a team of mis-fit pee-wee players after a career-ending knee injury right on the cusp of his big break. There are times when you would rather watch shit-house than art-house.

So swallow your pride, draw the curtains, and cosy in with a hot mug of shame. The Mutants have banded together to give you our list of Best B-Grade Sequel Movies.

JP2Jurassic Park 2: The Lost World

Goodness gracious where to start. Let’s go with the fact that the only thing that could make this movie better would be if every single character was played by Jeff Goldblum, and all the dinosaurs voiced by Jeff Goldblum.

It is basically 123 minutes of Golden Goldblum one liners such as, “mommy’s very angry” and “run… as fast as you can.” Extreme close ups guaranteed.

The Lost World is a pretty fast paced film, half set on the dinosaur island and half in San Diego, with a loosely worked in King Kong plot. The directors should have considered ending the film at the point where T-rex is let go in a city landscape, as a brilliant ploy to explore all the fun titbits of dino-human relations.

Besides ‘can’t get enough Goldblum’, you also have Vince Vaughn the naturalist, the recently deceased Pete Postlethwaite as a T-rex hunter, and a sassy little black girl who kicks the shit out of raptors with gymnastics and cries most of the movie.

Not as good but more fun than the original. Still needs more Goldblum however.

7.9/10 Goldblums.

goldblums

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LAEscape From L.A

You never knew you wanted to watch a life-or-death basketball scene until you see it in this movie.

John Carpenter manages to take the sequel of Snake Plissken’s ‘Escape From New York’, perhaps one of the most B-movies of all time (come on his name is Snake), and turn it into a decadent display of story-telling and the rise of a hero.

Snake is forced to rescue the President’s daughter from LA because his own government infected him with a virus only they have a cure for. It features Kurt Russell, Steve Buscemi and the god of all B-Movies Bruce Campbell. Despite being corny sometimes the ending hits home with a poignant message.

Even more relevant since it is set in the year 2013.

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HA2Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

How child services didn’t get called in to investigate the McAllister’s after the first movie is questionable. How they manage to get away with keeping the kid after movies 2, 3, 4, and 5 is anybody’s guess. Let’s not turn this into an issue of race or whatever but surely if it was a middle-class latino or black family living in the burbs who managed to misplace their kid not once but five times, they wouldn’t get a sixth chance.

Racial politics aside, it’s a good thing the state keep turning a blind eye because these movies are grrrrr8. The payouts that come from a good booby-trap setting montage scene are far more rewarding than the over-hyped ‘getting-your-life-back-on-track’ or fitness training regime montages. It’s like Chekov said, “If in the first act you have hung a pistol on the wall, then in the following one it should be fired.” And on this the Home Alone movies deliver in spades.

In Home Alone 2 Kevin McAlister finds himself lost in New York, armed with only his father’s credit card and his smarts when he runs into his former adversaries. Obviously hilarity ensues. Nothing beats Macualy Culkin in his glory, pre-emaciated-heroin-glazed-burnout days, with perpetually moist, cherubic red lips (no paedo), wreaking unsupervised havoc and dishing out eight year old wit to bumbling crims.

Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.

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Great Muppet CaperThe Great Muppet Caper

The Great Muppet Caper was released two years after the original Muppet Movie in 1981. Kermit the frog and Fozzie Bear play twin brothers reporting for a local newspaper, investigating a famous jewel heist in London with their photographer, Gonzo. They stay at the Happiness Hotel where, as luck would have it, pretty much every Muppet ever is also residing, including Animal, the Swedish Chef, Beaker, and Sam the Eagle. Even the chickens.

This movie has it all. Miss Piggy rides a motorcycle through a glass window and performs a synchronised swimming routine, Kermit tap dances and parachutes, Gonzo gets his nose stuck in an elevator and Fozzi bear battles depression and a speech impediment. It’s even a little arty and self-referential. Fozzie reads the opening credits to the audience, Kermit breaks character to chastise Miss Piggy on her acting abilities, and Oscar the Grouch gets peevish about the fact he only has a ‘very brief cameo’.

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naturecallsAce Ventura: When Nature Calls

Ace Ventura, When Nature Calls is the only sequel to a Jim Carrey film to actually feature Jim Carrey. Many an eight year old could quote this film word for word when it first came out in 1995, and in 2013 many a twenty five year old still can.

Emerging from a stint as a Buddhist monk in the Himalayas, Ace travels to Africa in order to find a white bat to end the warring between two local tribes. The film is utterly ridiculous, featuring a monster truck car chase and a scene where Ace is reborn naked out the arse of a rhinoceros.

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Lethal_Weapon_5Lethal Weapon 5 (unofficial)

Although it is not necessarily endorsed by the Lethal Weapon franchise, the homemade Lethal Weapon 5 shown in season six of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia it is still one of the best B-Grade sequels of all time.

Starring Mac, Dennis, Charlie and Frank, the movie offers a gross and gratuitous sex scene, controversial use of ‘black face’, hood slides, firing of guns into the air in the rain, a kung-fu fight scene, and large fake breasts. Mac and Dennis change roles half-way through the film, Charlie plays several goons in various wigs, and Frank is a tainted American Indian, selling out his own tribe for cash. Politically incorrect on every level, awkward as hell, and unparalleled cringe –worthy.

Other B-Grade sequels worth mentioning include:

  • Wayne’s World 2
  • Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey
  • D2: The Mighty Ducks
  • The entire Fast and Furious series
  • Cruel Intentions 2
  • The Die Hard movies, and
  • The Terminator films.

By The Mutants

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