Fight Club, Sex, and Going Steady

dating advice

Dear god I am sick of reading the covers of women’s magazines. If they aren’t dishing out advice on how to bag a man they’re telling you how to zig and zag a man. Forget it. It’s not worth the effort. Even reading the cover is exhausting. But if you really must insist on trying to find a boyfriend, dear woman’s magazine readers, if you really want to find a man now you have gone to the effort of memorising those 992 ways to please him sexually, and the advice they are feeding you about being witty and acting confident and joining social interest groups hasn’t worked, then I guess I will let you in on a few secrets.

Listen up. No seriously, ladies, all of you shut up shut up and listen to me. Never mind the fact besides a few fleeting romances, six month stints and one night stands I was basically single the first 24 years of my life. Eighteen months ago I managed to bag me a man, and now I’m here to tell you all about it. I became a relationship expert overnight. I am to your single woman woes what Oprah is to stay at home mums. Trust me, ladies, if you live a socially stunted, hard to get ascetic existence based on a cycle of nervous self-loathing punctured with bouts of destructive behaviour, and you follow my step by step advice in a circular fashion for twenty four years, you’ll get yo’self that ‘hard to find’ man.

All you have to do is:

1. Avoid eye contact

Seriously. Never make eye contact with attractive men unless it is for 4 – 5 seconds on a bus, or a drunken gaze held briefly across the dance floor. The one sided sexual tension that develops when you know someone hasn’t even noticed you deliberately not noticing them gives you something to dwell on for hours. Hours you might otherwise waste forming meaningful relationships, watching television, or just generally getting on with your life.

 2. Cry in cab lines

‘A crack, a seam, in what must otherwise be a statue of stoicism,’ your fellow cab line dwellers will think. ‘A deep and mysterious woman, she feels too much.’

 3. Leave parties early, go home alone and watch late night Rage until your eyeballs bleed

A semi-religious ritual and a time for deep reflection.

4. If you DO by some miracle manage to snag yourself a date

Make sure you waste no time explaining that if you seem tired it is not because you don’t find them interesting, but because you stayed up half the night penning a long, angry letter to the Reckitt Benckiser Group, makers of Easy-Off BAM, explaining how their ads reinforce patriarchal stereotypes promoting the domestic role of women, and are therefore sexist and offensive. Don’t you agree?

white chapel 5. Listen to Ryan Adams pretty much exclusively

And if by some divine act you manage to get someone into bed with you make sure you roll over to the side of the bed facing the open window straight after the act and put the entire Ryan Adams discography on and sigh intermittently, just to let them know how generally dissatisfied you are.

Once you’ve done your years of penance surely someone will go steady with you. If not maybe you can manipulate your psychiatrist into re-enacting that Fight Club sex scene dream he always seemed so interested in.

 – By Angie Plummer