Cheap Red Wine and The End of Time

receiptWhat is with all this rain lately am I right? And the slight drop in temperature and everything? I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the other day I heard this guy on the corner saying it has something to do with the second coming, and the beginning of the end is upon us.  He told me we should start preparing for the apocalypse, on account of the world is going to flood and there ain’t gonna be enough room on his damn boat for the lot of us. And I don’t know you guys, I am pretty inclined to believe him (he was wearing this authoritative looking crown made of tin foil and everything) but just in case he got it wrong and it is just the beginning of autumn and not the end of time, we should also prepare for that.

I’m not saying stop preparing for the apocalypse (Jesus Christ, I don’t want your filthy blood on my hands) but maybe we can start multi-tasking. You know, preparing for both the cooler months and certain death at the same time? And seeing as autumn is a whole lot easier to prepare for than doom, Mild Mutant have gone and reviewed some of the cheapest red wine on the market, just for you.

Don’t worry, we aren’t trying to kill you. You will still have money to buy your precious sawn off shot guns and cans of beans. None of these bottles has a price tag over $6.50, and all of them were sourced from our local discount bottle-o. So take a seat in the rocker out on the porch, lay that heavy rifle across your lap a minute there, son, and have a little glass of wine. Just to take your mind off of things for a minute.

Don’t worry, we’ll keep our eye on the cane fields for you.

softfruityred (1)Clearskin

Soft Fruity Red

$5

Tastes like it sounds mother fuckers.

It’ll remind you of a party you went to sometime between the ages of 20 and 25.

Fucking medicine for the soul bitches.

This is some entry level shit right here, (timeline wise), drunken right after you get bored of Red Lambrusco but right before you make the jump to Cab Sav and well before you even know what Point Noir is.

The reviewer drank this and then ate some Stagg Chili, but it is also good for a wintertime party, so recommended with party music and party pies.

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slipperyfishSlippery Fish

Cabernet Merlot 

$4

Slippery Fish represents a definite slippery slope into alcoholism. For cheap wine it still manages to not be entirely horrible. It goes down like Hemmingway, wet and smelling of plums, and leaves you feeling cheap. Blunt and without depth, the glass retains the stain of hooker blood. Do not spill; you will raise eyebrows.

While remaining inexpensive it is quite tolerable, able to be quickly consumed, slides right down the throat and leaves a fruity tingle when it comes back up again. It is a product of its design, and the promise of inebriation is ironclad.

Recommended drinking music: Any Tom Waits or simply hire a friend to scream “The Old Man and the Sea” while you slip into alcohol’s loving embrace.

7.4 Standard Drinks.

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St AndrewsSt. Andrews Imperial Reserve

Cabernet Sauvignon 2011

 $5.16

When Jesus turned water into wine, he didn’t intend St. Andrews to try and turn it back.

You may ask, WWJD? He’d sip this pungent liquid, screw his face up in disgust, slap on a deep purple sticker with a gold, regal lion and call it the Imperialist Reserve. Why? Because much like the Imperialists, Jesus wanted you to feel the fiery wrath of his influence as he fed it down your throat.

This Cab Sav definitely tastes better than it smells; yet it obnoxiously lingers with slight under/overtones of bong water. Where does that leave you, dear reader? While bong water surely entices the appetite, we recommend you accompany this wine with a damn expensive meal: the slower you drink it, the easier it is to forget what it is you are drinking.

Overall, this fine specimen was rated worst of the bunch. Take comfort in the fact that Jesus is watching you from afar, smiling at the thought of his Imperial Reserve expanding, conquering and repatriating the wine market at $5.16 a pop.

Who would buy this? Wanky Imperialists/ Darth Vader. George Lucas was clearly drunk on this when he wrote episodes 1,2 and 3 of Star Wars.

Colour: The same colour as the pee of an unfortunate soul who has consumed too much cranberry juice in order to mask a urinary tract infection.

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eaglehawkWolf Blass, ‘Eaglehawk’

Merlot

$6.53

Just like a kangaroo-wallaby or a centipede-spider, eagles and hawks don’t belong together. That being said, this wine was the most expensive by 87 cents and the Mutants’ expectations were high. Initial notes of aged pork and non-kosher pastry immediately dropped the Shabbat rating to an all time low of 2 per cent. As if this weren’t enough, Wolf Blass have continued the predatory/culturally insensitive theme by colouring the wine the exact shade of pig entrails (possibly using real pig entrails). This merlot was saved by its drinkability and balanced spicyness.

Most likely to be drunk by Mexican drug cartel members who have hit hard financial times.

Drinkability:  3.7/5 rolling heads

Soundtrack: Hans Zimmer.

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inheritanceMcWilliams, Inheritance

Shiraz Merlot

$5

Shiraz and Merlot aren’t wines you traditionally think of in a blend, however The McWilliams Inheritance merger is both agreeable and generic. With lingering notes of redskin, this is beginners red wine, for anyone who has never sat up crying in the bath tub all night or owned more than one cat.

Most likely to be drunk by people who can’t decide if they would rather have Merlot or Shiraz, and elderly widows sitting alone amongst their dwindling spoils, surrounded by fur coats and empty cans of tuna as they listen to the Chattanooga Choo Choo on repeat.

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 – Photography by Sophie Ray Vaughn

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