Reinventing the Sandwich

simpsonsBack in the old school yard days a kid’s social status was linked to the contents of their lunch box. If you had an apple, you were a dud. A Roll-Up or Dunkaroos? Hero. Everybody wanted to be your best mate, if only for fifteen minutes. They would hover around your scabby knees like vultures waiting for a cast off crumb.

The lunch box wild card was always the sandwich. There was no telling what was on it until you peeled back the bread. And it could make or break you. Vegemite? Get the fuck outta the backseat, son, and ride up front with the Steiner school kids where you belong. Nutella? Welcome to the good life, it’s your lucky do-you-want-to-have-a-go-of-my-Gameboy day.

Now we are mostly adults, and there is no one to cut the crusts off for us anymore. We butter the bread of our own destiny.  But when we finally inherit the right to put whatever we want on our sandwiches, instead of being creative we turn benign. We get stuck in a gourmet spiral of humus and pesto and prosciutto, and lose the dough-like, innocent sense of adventure we had as children.

Fear not! Mild Mutant is here to revitalise ya sangas. This week we road-tested new and exotic combinations, mixing things nature never intended to meet and strangling our Frankensteinian inventions between two pieces of bread.

Not all of them turned out right, but neither did all of you. And some of them are truly ugly-beautiful. So pull up your socks and dust off your Pokémon cards, because the Mutants are going to help you become the coolest cat in the playground. Either that or the kid from the Frontier Psychiatrist video clip.

Sandwiches. What about them? You put em in your gob. That’s what.

chicken twistiesChicken Twisties, Sweet Pickles and Cheese.

Pickles and cheese go together like gin and tonic. Real good. The Chicken Twisties are kind of like an unborn foetus clinging to the neck of its surviving twin, or the arm on that snake thing they found in China that had an arm: Unnecessary, but thought-provoking.

This is the kind of sandwich you discover your grandfather eating when you are a kid and think it is hilarious, and then years later you realise it was a symbol of his mental decline and will forever associate the ingredients with a lingering sense of mortality.

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mitchs sandwich“Vegemite Cracker Scotch Sandwich” or “The Bar Fly”

Soft, tantalizing flavour of a vegemite sandwich meets the hard exterior of Barney Stinson. Do not let your taste buds trick you; this is cuisine at its finest. You are probably wondering how you have scotch with a sandwich. Well that’s easy. First soak some white bread in scotch before putting it into a grill to seal in the flavour. Next, vegemite up your crackers and then place between bread. Voila, the only sandwich in the world that can potentially give and get rid of a hangover.

The sandwich takes the best part of the crackers, the crunch, and uses it in a nuanced way. The vegemite is what keeps the sandwich together. Its salty taste combined with the whiff of scotch makes one think of bar nuts that have been left out too long. My old friend, it has been far too long.

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burger ringsSalmon, Mustard, and Burger Rings.

This is an all-out savoury rollercoaster ride for you and your best buds (we’re talking ‘bout your taste buds, dummy). The ride starts with a kick of mustard to the face, before you go slippery-sliding down the salmon into a crunchy ball pit of burger rings. It is almost like you have travelled back in time to the Vietnam War and fished one a mustard gassed dead fish out of a dying ecosystem and fried it up and put it on a burger and ate it high as a fucking kite on napalm fumes and LSD.

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salamiSalami/Doritos/Cream cheese/Tomato Chutney

This sandwich violates your innocence, just like the first hospitality job you ever had. One bite brings back memories of all the meaty cheesy food scraps you used to try and flush down the sink when the manager wasn’t looking. It’s an unashamed heart-attack snack, and not a calorie is spared in delivering bold musty flavour (and probably a healthy dose of that waxy gunk that sticks to your arteries and makes it hard to walk up the escalator).

The Doritos are essential to balance the sliminess of the other fillings without overpowering their delicate flavours. Don’t make the mistake of omitting any ingredients in a misguided attempt to save your health. The sandwich will know. It always knows.

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nutellaPeanut Butter, Nutella, Banana, and Scotch Finger Biscuit.

We don’t need to tell you this tastes good because you already know it does. Not that it makes a difference, but when you analyse the ingredients they come from all over the world. Nutella from Italy, peanut butter from the USA, bananas from someplace tropical, and the humble British biscuit. Shit, it is such a harmonious blend, so subtly integrated, U.N diplomats probably sit down with one of these after a long day of negotiating world peace.

This is what it is all about. Right here. This sandwich. Can’t we all just get along?


sandwich nhugingredients  – By The Mutants

– Photos by Scott Harrison

 

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