A+ .gif party time!

Hello. Pleased to meet you. I am here to help you surf the web, ride electrical barrels, and hang HTML ten. Totally tubular! Here are some of my all-time favourite .gifs.

.gifs have a retro feel about them. They are mini throwbacks to a nostalgic time when the Internet was the coolest, most magic thing you had ever seen. All of a sudden the computer wasn’t just for ma and pa to do their tax returns and play minesweeper. It was for assuming a fake identity on MSN to trick your friends into saying nasty things about you, raising a neopet while neglecting your real pet, and looking up the lyrics to the rap part in TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, so your friends would know how truly awesome you were.

The Internet is all about interaction, whether anonymous or using your own identity. But just like in real life, sometimes getting your point across with words is still hard on the webz. I am here to help you say all those things you really want to say but can’t. Probably because the Internet has left you emotionally stunted.

Want to tell someone you like them without the crushing fear of rejection? Lack the sincerity to congratulate your pals when they are successful? Want to seem witty but you’re not that clever?

I have .gifs for that.

bearball

This .gif is perfect for those heart destroying break ups when you want to tell your departed partner ‘You hurt me so bad I just want to tear your new lover’s spine from her body and use it as a harpoon to kill you and then piss on your writhing corpse.’ But when you wake up the next morning with a terrible Dolce Rosso headache and realise ‘oh my god I have ruined any chances I ever had at getting back with the love of my life and I could really do without that restraining order’ all you have to do is laugh it off with a casual ‘hey, sorry I was really drunk last night and I saw this .gif and thought it was so funny and I just thought of you because you have such a black, off-beat sense of humor and I didn’t think anyone else would get it and I just wanted to show you, is that so bad?’ And maybe they will be all ‘awwww’ and take you back because you guys share such a deep and complex connection and ‘just get each other’ when no one else understands.

breakdancegoose

You have won an argument with someone and want to celebrate how gangster that has made you feel. But you are so so white, and smack talk like a soccer mum. You fear if you try and rub your mini victory in the other person’s face you will just undo all the bonus street credit points you earned yourself by saying something really naff. The added plus of communicating all this with a .gif of a goose doing hammertime surrounded by a bunch of pigeons is that there is very little anyone can say in rebuttal.

fatbounce

I like to use this .gif to explain how I feel about all you can eat buffets. Like Sizzler, or when you are travelling through a country where the Australian dollar is worth one million whatevers and by some divine miracle you end up staying in a hotel that has a buffet breakfast. It is a complex emotion. Maybe the Germans have a word for it but I haven’t heard it so I use this .gif. In the beginning you feel overwhelming joy. Usually health conscious you fill every inch of you with foods you might never otherwise eat. Like an ancient Roman at one of the feasts you see in murals at museums, you almost consider going off to be sick half-way through, just so you can put more in. Very quickly things turn from being an all-in party for your taste buds to one of those moments when you realise how disgusting you are, and how doomed the human race is. Especially because if you are in one of those countries where your dollar is worth a lot more more than the local currency chances are the people making and serving your food wouldn’t have as much to eat in a week as what you just jammed down your gob in two hours. You go back to your room and lay on the bed and wrestle between white middle class guilt and the thought that maybe if you tried harder you could have fit another plate of hard-boiled eggs in.

colbertcry

No-one expresses sarcastic happy better than Steven Colbert.

dogmacin

I mostly use this .gif when someone asks me what I’m ‘doing tonight’ or what I’m ‘up to this weekend’. It is pretty accurate, but a lot easier than saying, ‘well I might have a couple of glasses of cheap red wine and then watch bad television and then stay up late trawling through tumblr, looking at sloth related .gifs before taking a valium and dribbling on my pillow case as I listen to Tom Waits in the dark, imagining myself slow-dancing around the room before falling into a heavy, dreamless sleep.’

 – By Angie Plummer.

maximum bummer

Advertisements