Pauline Hanson: An Explanation

The legendary Pauline Hanson has been sighted in the liberal media, declaring her intentions on running in the Australia Federal Election. In a world dominated by reasonable individuals, it can be disheartening to watch the media report on the perverse and pariah. It is as if Australia exists within a bubble separate from the outside world, a joke where we are both the set up and punch line. Crackpots and fools control the newspaper, laying waste to the informed voter and the infirm subscriber, a dead medium that tries to get a rise out of the living.

I remember when my family and I travelled to a small, backwards town in the middle of Tasmania. Upon entering a store a friendly shopkeeper and her adult son asked where we were from. “Ipswich”, my father replied with gusto. “Ipswich, you don’t happen to know that Pauline Hanson, do you?” Awkwardly, my father responded with a hesitant yes. “She had some great ideas didn’t she?” they said without any trace of irony. Stunned my father could hardly pay for our groceries let alone process what he had heard. As we rushed out that little shop of horrors onto the street, where you could only smell the inherent racism and not physically choke on it, we came to realise that Pauline Hanson had done the impossible; turning from myth to reality.

PH scrubbing flags

I have no doubt that a select few readers still believe in the folk tale that is Pauline Hanson, the Sasquatch of the North, and are only now reconciling their error in judgment. For those who are still having trouble, have you ever really thought someone so outrageously offensive actually existed? Of course not, but it is understandable. The conspiracy runs deep in our country and the bourgeois find it profitable. But why do we give such credence to our generation’s Bigfoot? Pauline Hanson is nothing more than a trope, identifiable throughout the ages wherever the working class has given into racist intent rather than seeking to educate and integrate.

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She first appeared when the Romans allowed citizenship for everyone within the confines of the empire. The Romans called upon this false idol but she did not answer. She appears again in the history books when the Normans conquered what is now known as England. According to her press release, “hámsócn áreccan” was not enough to let the French know their language wasn’t wanted. She disappeared for several centuries but her name lived on in whispers in dark alleyways in New York and Alabama, and some even swore that the person Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to was Pauline herself.

Now, and apparently forever more, the Australian media is choosing to report on rumours and myths rather than something important. The perpetual motion machine of bullshit and slander keeps on turning and we are the ones who suffer. The evidence is out there. Watch “Dancing With the Stars” and you will see phenomenal CGI at work. No politician has ever moved so smoothly. A politician is legally required to have an awkward gait and little more. This is a world where Peter Garret is likened to an Adonis and John Howard is a champion cricketer. When special effects failed a body double was forced to jump in, which led to another cover up when this picture surfaced.

Pauline naked

But who is the perpetrator of such myths? The media is not always to blame. These parody parasites are all fine when they are being fed the information the politicians want you to hear. But as soon as they overindulge in the hand that feeds them, it is considered a ‘media frenzy’, a term overused by the ugly duckling of Parliament, Wayne Swan. The media merely reports the myth, they did not create it.

So who did? Who else but Labor. Labor wants you to believe in Pauline Hanson because if anyone is far right enough to align themselves with her you might as well utilise this and take votes away from the Liberals, because you never had that vote in the first place. Have you ever looked at the One Nation website? It looks like they took the theme from every conspiracy website ever and gave it a garish yellow background. Surely if it was a legitimate party they could afford to trick an intern into bringing it into this century.

One Nation is not only stuck in the past, it is like they reverse parked there. The Pauline Hanson myth is like a dead battery, as if the implied value of something gives it weight. That last spark of energy that remains behind gives a brief flash before fading into eternal darkness. The implication that she represents the average Aussie is a tedious assumption. It simultaneously creates and destroys the way we identify ourselves and forces us to accept her construction. Her trope highlights the potential in the Australian people. It doesn’t necessarily highlight the best part, or the most accurate, but it is a part nonetheless and instead of confronting and debating our reflection, we are in its place. A mirror is there for us to inspect our flaws and our beauty, not to covet them.

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As George Orwell once said, “Myths which are believed tend to come true.” And in that vein I wish to call for Labor to come forward and dissolve their devilish hoax. Hot air isn’t tax deductable but it should be. It should have a surgeons general warning on it stating, ‘May Cause Toxic Environment’.

I can see the big reveal now. In front of the houses of Parliament, “Pauline” strides onto the stage as the media begs, ‘please explain’. She rips off her mask to reveal the only person it could ever be: Sasha Baron Cohen in drag.

 – By Mitch Firman

PH with fish